Skunks!
You've found the page of Alex's multiple scribblings and piddlings.
Choose:
Ye Olde Bean Brew
American Puzzles Not As Cool As Before
Palmblad: A Manifesto for the Proletariat
Ye Olde Bean Brew
By the Albatross
Instrumental to Alex Arrowsmith's creative "urges" is the ambrosia known as coffee. I don't drink much of that piss water because I'm a friggin bird, but what the hell do I know, I eat worms at 6 in the fricking morning.
Anyway moving on, I found some scrolls in Alex's bathtub chronicling all things coffee in his life. It was actually all on microfiche, which albatrosses have problems reading with the naked eye. But I took it to a librarian albatross and he translated the small words into large words for me.
"STRONG AND BLACK"
This is Alex's old friend. Much like myself, before he knifed me at a cockfight in Iran. He began imbibing straight up black-ass coffee when he was 12, but the addiction didn't begin in earnest until March 2002. This is what happens when you borrow your friend's ancient coffee maker, break it, then buy your own. He was known to watch Star Wars - Episode 1: The Phantom Menace while frying on black coffee around this time.
"RASP MOCH"
Alex's old friend may be black coffee, but his girlfriend is the raspberry mocha. Triple SHOT. He once heard Eminem trying to get him to only get "one shot" and that kind of confused him a lot. Triple shot, Slim. Triple. He has been known to drink a 16 oz. rasp moch in less than five minutes and chase it with a mimosa. Henceforth, he has become disgustingly proficient at knitting and making world map projections.
"CARM MOCH"
If the rasp moch is Arrowsmith's girlfriend, then the caramel mocha is his mistress. This is not a coffee that he wants all the time, just when he's feeling jumbled and is not feeling like antioxidants. He has only had about four of these in his entire life. Don't tell his wife. Don't tell the kids he has unknowingly sired thanks to this dangerous brew.
"COFF VAN CARM"
Alex has been known to dabble in creamer. I've seen it. He says, "Oh, I only do creamer at parties, or in social situations. I'd never do creamer at home by myself." But I've seen it, cuz. I've seen it festering in his fridge like strawberry shortcake forgotten and alone at an Independence Day barbecue. The corn got shucked and left that strawberry shortcake to remanifest itself as pure vice, soggy and rancid from the cream left in the festive sun for all of antiquity. One drop of that creamer in your coffee and Diablo will engulf your naked soul with its 2000 talons and one furry maw. Fear it.
"AMERICANO"
The poor man's black coffee. This is what coffee shops give you when it's late and they don't have any drip coffee available. You're in hella hood when you're drinking this swill.
That about covers Alex's chief vice. There are also some admiral vices and sergeant vices, but none cover so much territory as ye olde bean brew. Take it easy Arrowsmith constituents, I'll be back later to sell you tips on how to become a technical writer.
Love and massages,
The Albatross
American Puzzles Not As Cool As Before
By Alex Arrowsmith, reporting for Cat Fancy
In a study done by Americans not currently residents in America, puzzles in America have become really stupid to Americans in Hollywood and New York and not the rest of America (made of Americans who don't really care), apparently along with everything else in America, according to everyone else not in America and Michael Moore. According to a recent Gallup poll, the Rubick's Cube is "definitely cooler" than 65% of American puzzles. In a recent CNN.com online poll, French puzzles are way cooler than American puzzles. And according to a recent exit poll conducted outside of hit movie BRUCE ALMIGHTY starring box office smash Ace Ventura and TV's Jennifer Aniston, British people, Scottish people, Welsh people, Irish people, German people, Icelandic people, Mongolian people, Sri Lankian people, Greenlandian people, Newfoundlandish people, North Polian people, Timbuktunian people and everyone-else-not-in-America people and their puzzles are way cooler than American people (but not their puzzles). In a study conducted in the Pacific NW, where it rains constantly and where people never even use umbrellas because they love it so much, experts have found that nobody gives a crap about what people in Hollywood and New York think except for people in Hollywood, New York and apparently everywhere else except people in America not in Hollywood and New York.
A fire poll has found that most Americans agree that American puzzles are not what they once were in America. "I think French puzzles are way cooler than American puzzles or French-Canadian puzzles in America," said an American. Most Americans agree that Americans disagree about puzzles that are agreed upon by Americans in non-American territories not including or excluding Puerto Rico and Iraq and by Americans who put the word "American" before any motion picture, television program, music industry release or puzzle in order to enhance its Americanness to Americans (not in Hollywood-New-York America and Bruce-Springsteen-and-John-Mellencamp's-extremely-American-blue-collar-working-class-America and hip-new-buzz-phrase-post-nine-eleven-climate America but in rains-a-lot America and everywhere-else-where-nobody-else-gives-a-crap-about-them America). In related news, 2 Fast 2 Furious, the much-anticipated sequel to The Fast and the Furious, has been split into two different movies and renamed American Fast and American Furious, respectively, by Vin Diesel at the last minute.
Experts looked to Back to the Future 3 for answers. "You know that part at the end where the train is about to go off that ravine but they time travel right before they fly off and they appear in 1985 when the rest of the track was built?" said Simon Cowell, the most American non-American ever. "That was so awesome." American President Bush has decided to put "bunches more money" into the consortium of individuals (all of whom have found a partner, except for one individual who had to partner up with the teacher because there was an odd number of kids) who have decided to reenact the end of the smash Back to the Future trilogy with their friends. "My best friend told me that those hoverboards actually exist but they just haven't come out yet," explains 8-year-old American Ben Welty. "I'm gonna get one for my birthday when they come out."
Will the decline of American puzzles destroy the symbolic freedom of American Idols, Badasses, Beauties, Pies, Psychos, History X's, Outlaws, Icons, Pie 2's, Music, Sweethearts, Exiles and Weddings? Only time will tell.
Palmblad: A Manifesto for the Proletariat
By Alex Arrowsmith
A slam has been done to my person. A slam has been done to my Alan Parson. If there was more than a single Alan in a waking period, the state would have trouble writing a manuscript for the lynch mob. Never estimate at all the precise pool shape of your prostate. If you don't have a prostate then what kind of men are we? The bourgeoisie? The freaking upside town tornado bingo? It was a blackout; there was a king too.
If there's anything to understand from the Census of Dracula 1860, it's that a one person state works well for statistical deliveries. Not to be outdone in the girl costume, basement style, the dispensed bakery was too large for a ghost town. No other town is frank. Other towns may make more juniper. Don't feel frown--there's one waiting for you at the end of lifetime activities (but underneath the if and but library). I felt your juices from feet away; good job, cat. One didn't come in just now, did it?
I didn't love the bar I thought I did. No neighborhood existed around it, just fools. If want to? Yes, want to. Then slide down with less friction, maybe just a fraction of the friction faction. Love this line of rings. You can conceive of anything you may receive, but you have to go to customer service after the lunch hour to devise a capsule of dinosaur hunks.
In conclusion, has there been a blueberry.
Resistance.